Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
he was persistant. I supposedly owe him a bj from high school.
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
Is it totally terrible that I just signed up for classes and already found the guy I'm going to bang??
Randomize
