It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
They had miseltoe over the keg.... thats cheating
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
hand shaped bruises on both boobs again....i wish i could say this is the first time.
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
It's 4/20 of course I'm going to smoke in the portapotty and be ripped outta my mind at the lung cancer walk.
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize
