I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
I just spent 20 mins in the shower washing n rewashing my body to get rid of stripper. I even loofa'd my face.
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
