Ok im wearing a joe flacco jersey and full stick on unibrow and hardly anyone else dressed up omg
Omg suz!! take the unibrow off
No! im just getting hammered instead
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
Never visiting again. You guys drink like immortals
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
Randomize
