kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
I puked in the AC vent. thing are gonna get ugly come summertime.
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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