we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
is it too early in the day to continue our conversation about penis shapes?
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
I have stripper ass cheeks all over my glasses
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
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