bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
everyone has their kryptonite. mine just happens to be 18 year old blonde girls.
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
Two days later and my throat is still sore. That bong is a double edged sword.
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
Be careful, there is sex in the air.
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
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