don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
She dresses cool and she's mean. And she has fake boobs I feel like I can relate to her on so many levels.
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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