I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
It was a good dick. I give credit where credit is due. A good dick deserves praise.
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
Randomize
