The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
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