dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
I'll hook up with guys I don't even like, as long as they leave early enough the next day.
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
this is the fourth time i've taken my clothes off for money this year. is that normal for the average college sophomore?
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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