i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
Randomize
