90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
Randomize