I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
Dude I could put my dick between the gap in her teeth.. This is the last time we are hanging out with Kentucky girls
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
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