Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
The parties out here are fucking awesome and I've got the grades to prove it.
We went to red robin and there was a 15 minute wait so we went and fucked in the car. Quickies, endless fries, and a mascot handing out balloons- this is literally the night of my dreams.
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
Her blowjob technique? Picture someone attempting to drink a triple thick milkshake through a Capri Sun straw.
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
Randomize