eww mummy girl is here...
what the fuckk. i just want to hold her down, wax her eyebrows, and give her some morals.
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
he put a condom on for a handjob WTF
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