We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
Randomize
