laughing at 16 and pregnant while fucking w/o a condom....
i always knew you were classy
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
looking back, maybe 11 flaming dr peppers was a little extreme
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
They were greeting people getting off the 48 with green beers and cheers. The one day I decide not to take the bus home...
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
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