that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
I found a blow up pig at an adult store. He will have to fuck that on video if he wants anal. Also, I bought a pair of clear high heels. Tell your brother I love him.
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
Randomize
