Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
the guy working at the drive-thru just asked me if i wanna bang after he gets off work tonight.
given your current drought situation, im genuinely curious to know what your answer was
i told him maybe and gave him my number. sad? probably. but even if the sex is bad maybe i'll get a free burger out of it
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
My concern for you and peanut butter is the reason I am still awake.
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
Randomize
