I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
Ps what kind of horrible ppl are we that we both checked blackberries during sex and neither minded?
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
exactly. I want him to have to live with the fact that he fucked me. I want him to look me in the eye and say "you were a drunken mistake".
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Randomize
