can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
dude if Megan calls say you Sis was house sitting for me yesterday , she f'n found dana's panties
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
Randomize
