Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
Well I'm glad to hear the fight wasnt over his small dick.
It's not fair. Guys with dicks that huge should not be allowed to be catholic.
She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
Randomize
