discovery: the myth about swedish girls giving good head? not a myth.
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
She's the barista slut.
well i did drunkenly flip his snowmobile going 90, so i can kind of see why hes mad
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
So you're not opposed to us ever having sex again? Because it just seems like such a waste to let a penis like yours go.
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
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