So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
He made off the wall shots in beer pong, stuck the girls dog in a cooler, and played with swords with her mom. I wish I got his name
Is it penis luge time yet?
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
I choose my mates solely based on size and ability. No cuddles. No sleep overs. Definitely no repeats.
Randomize
