I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
oh come on since when have relationships been boundary lines for us
fair point
You're welcome to join, but just to warn you, tequila makes my clothes disappear. And I'm telling you that as an adult to an adult, not as your supervising teacher who decides whether or not you graduate.
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
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