Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
WE HAVE TO LEAVE. I HAVE HAD SEX WITH WAY TOO MANY PEOPLE IN THIS BUS STATION.
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
Randomize
