I've decided to only have meaningless sex from now on.
And what brought this epiphany?
I've decided it's a lot easier to have dirty amazing sex with someone when you don't care about the other person or what they think of you. I'm going to test this theory soon. Will update you later
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
We're going clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
What will that accomplish?
It will accomplish clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
She's Jesus crazy. And one if not more other forms of crazy. She's 2.5+ crazy.
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
I just landed at Logan and some guy threw up in the baggage carousel. Boston never really changes
Randomize
