I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
No it was the best sex I've had in months. Nothing turns me on more than getting rid of a boyfriend.
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
so far, I've observed him try to hit on 3 girls, 1 guy and a bar stool. Humanity is amazing from a sober point of view.
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
my comprehension of H.D. Thoreau really dives after 8 beers.....
It will astound me if they ever let you graduate.
Randomize
