i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
Now i know why people get high. I sat in the same chair for about 3 hours and the only thing i worried about was how far away my chinese food was.
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
Porch rule of tonight: when you sing, you must use "something" as a microphone. The person to use the most "creative" object gets the door prize...so far Stephie is winning with Jennifer's dog.
i'm scootering my little heart out so i'm not late for a weed pickup. this is the meaning of adolescence
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
He usually doesnt care about me cumming but last night he really tried, I feel that him going to the Womens March benefitted my sex life
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
Randomize
