maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
Well hey if hot cowboys are involved then all bets are off.
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
We left an ass print on the piano.
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
just move with us, we wanted to get a dog. youre kind of the same thing..
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
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