I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
hey u leave my anime porn out of this
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
he high fived his dick after we had sex
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