Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
He spelled Steven with "ph", needless to say my nose was almost bleeding from the amount of axe he was wearing.
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
It’s so white trash that I almost have to have it.
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