the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
Your dick is the only reason I have motivation to come back to school today
just bought safety googles to wear so he can cum on my face and not in my eye. SAFETY FIRST!
Randomize
