I was totally willing to let her keep giving me blowjobs as long as she didn't think we were in a relationship.
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
You should really look at your snapstory. It has us screaming " MANSION DICK! SUCK IT! FUCK IT!" By the way im currently in a mansion and need you to pick me up
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
Randomize
