my phone needs a breathalizer
He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
She looks like a junkie muppet...awful
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
If we laid all the dicks that's have been inside of us end to end it would be as tall as 4 story building. 40 feet of dicks.
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
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