I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
I got confused. The music was loud, porn was playing, people were grinding, there were hand jobs.
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
Randomize
