I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
I just pictured my inhibition personified as little pink piggies with wings flying off into the great wide nowhere hahaha
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
Thats not real though. Slash there are other extenuating circumstances to lead me to believe dick is wanted
HOLY FUCK I SPELLED EXTENUATING RIGHT ON THE FIRST TRY. IM THE BEST DRUNK NA
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
How does one acquire holy water?
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
Randomize