I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
Definitely just saw the guy I went on a date with Friday night dressed in medeival knight gear on the quad preparing for battle. Oh my God.
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
I brought his matress to the living room we're laying on it listening to rick james drinking vodka
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
Randomize
