I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
I hate that I will forever be known as the girl who puked on the front lawn. That only happened once.
How is there a hawk inside this house? More importantly how the hell is he handling it without any gear?
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
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