My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
this will be a night to untag.
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
Randomize
