Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards.
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
Randomize
