hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
At what point are you a chubby chaser or just desperate for sex?
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
sooo trippy being back in town after 5 years. if you had asked me in high school who would be future coke heads, i would have been way off
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
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