Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
im not 100% but im pretty sure at some point i was rubbing ur bf's beard telling him how magnificient i thought it was
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
Shots. Renamed a guy (he looked like a Scott to me), running, bloody Marys, walk to Safeway, donuts, ride home from someones husband, Nurse Jackie. FIN.
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
Randomize