and I was crying with the towel lady in the bathroom of the bar about the tragedy in Haiti. Then we hugged before I left and I gave her 10 dollars.
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize