Ok pretty sure I just saw Mike O'Malley walking through the parking lot. I wanted to see if I followed him, would he lead me to the acro-criag, i've always wanted a crack at that bitch.
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
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