Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
Randomize
