just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
what happened last night??
everyone saw ******'s vagina
and that's just the beginning
The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
If I wanted to fuck someone, I'd go for John. I'm meeting Bryan cuz I wanna get to know him better. And eventually fuck him. But not this Tuesday.
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
Oh and I found some acid for the drive back to school, productive day
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
Randomize
