Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
So the bros are yelling at another bro to get that dildo off the roof. And there is indeed a dildo looking object on the roof.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
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