I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
He came and then made the Jim Halpert face. does that say disappointment or what
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
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