My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
We were so bored at work tonight that we were in dry storage taking turns pouring the boxed wine we use for cooking into each others' mouths. I think I'm starting to understand the "problem" aspect of "drinking problem."
There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
im over her. I got weed and youtube. everything i could ever ask for.
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
Randomize
