I gotta feeling the economic climate has killed the housewife market
someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
that girl last night was a 15
wait she was 15?
no like black jack not sure if you should hit it
found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
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