wrigley field is MILF paradise
There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
Just pee around me
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
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