i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
Just got up.... With the club stamp on my ass.... How did it got there????
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
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