Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
Yes, do intervene. Unless it involves cowboys with loud trucks and hard 9 inch dicks. Then just come back for me in the morning.
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
Randomize
