Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
I actually want to hang out with her with our clothes on. That's a big step up for me.
Your place is a magnet for either righteous parties or crippling alcohol dependency. Lets find out which together
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
Pagan metal show. There is a folk dance happening in the mosh pit. Also, I have no idea where we are.
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
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